She's Not Sexy
by luvfuruba2death
Summary: A really strange one-shot about a (not so) typical day in the life of the Sanzo party.


This is what happens when my friend and I are driving home from Camelot rehearsals at ten o'clock at night and we have to go to the bathroom. Don't ask. We have no explanation.

She's Not Sexy

"Dude looks like a lady!" Goku starts singing as he runs circles around Gojyo.

Moments before, Goku had found an old radio somewhere in the temple and proceeded to beg Sanzo's permission to turn it on. Once Sanzo gave in, after some coaxing from Hakkai to let Goku have some fun, this song started playing just as poor, unsuspecting Gojyo walked in the room. Immediately, Goku thought the song fitted him perfectly and commenced his torture.

Gojyo, though, did not find this amusing. At all. Hakkai had to hold him back as all sorts of colorful language escaped from his mouth and he charged at the stupid monkey.

Just as Hakkai seems to get Gojyo under control, Sanzo, sitting at the table, calmly reading the paper and drinking tea as all the madness surrounds him, looks up and says, "Dude looks like a lady, huh?"

The room falls silent as they all turn to look at Sanzo.

Sanzo proceeds to look Gojyo up and down and says, "She's not very sexy."

Again, Hakkai has to hold Gojyo back from doing something he would regret (maybe) as he fights to control his own laughter. At this time, Goku is fighting for air on the floor between laughing fits and Sanzo went back to sipping his tea and reading the paper.

It was at this moment, that one of the monks of the temple they were visiting walks through the door and, ignoring the scene around him, plants himself directly in front of Sanzo.

Without even glancing up from the paper, Sanzo waves his hand at the monk and remarks, "You're blocking my light."

With many apologies and pointless flattery, the monk moves to stand behind Sanzo, reading over his shoulder.

"What?" Sanzo asks, trying to repress his frustration at this annoyance.

The monk starts explaining his reason for being there, "We were wondering if you would lead a sermon at this festival that we're holding at the temple."

Sanzo's hand twitches in want of his gun as he repeats, "What?"

The monk then dives into a very thorough explanation of the temple's plans for the festival and why they think it would be fitting to have the Great Genjyo Sanzo speak.

Quickly, Sanzo cuts the monk off. "No," he says, "We're throwing a party."

"But, but…" the monk tries to regain his footing in this conversation.

Then Hakkai joins in, saying, "Oh yes. It's going to be a grand affair. And we still need to go pick up decorations, and food…"

"FOOD!" Goku cheers.

"And pick up chicks," Gojyo adds with a smirk.

"No girls allowed," Sanzo says.

"What!?" Gojyo exclaims.

"Sanzo," Hakkai starts, "You sound like a pre-pubescent boy with a secret clubhouse."

Once again, Goku falls on the floor laughing.

"Shut up, stupid monkey!" Sanzo yells as he hits Goku over the head with his paper fan that he seems to pull out of thin air (he is the Great Sanzo, after all).

By now, the monk is all but forgotten, and enshrouded in a cloud of despair, he leaves the room.

After much more arguing and mild violence, the four head into town to gather supplies for their spontaneous party. Hakkai had Goku in a child's harness connected to a leash that hung on his waist, because he was sick of Goku running off on his own, getting kidnapped by fangirls, and eating everything in sight. In this manner, they go grocery shopping, with Gojyo in charge of filling Jeep with gas, and Sanzo wanders off, looking for a restroom.

A couple hours later, they all reconvene at the pre-arranged meeting spot. Hakkai spots Jeep and is about ready to lunge at Gojyo in a raging fit of anger, completely unbefitting of his usual character. Gojyo attempts to use Goku as a shield as he starts to explain what happened.

Hakkai, already beat from handling Goku and their fangirl stalkers, decides to let Gojyo speak his peace.

Gojyo explains that as he was getting gas, he saw a long pair of legs walk into the body shop next door. Because he's Gojyo, he had to go and talk his way into a slighty…okay, very perverted situation. The girl he was flirting with turned out to own the garage. She "talked" him into making several changes to Hakkai's beloved Jeep.

Throughout the process of these changes, Jeep was whimpering and Gojyo was trying to calm him down.

"Why are you talking to your jeep?" the woman asked.

"Uhh…ummm…doesn't everyone?" Gojyo answered, stumbling.

She looked at him, slightly puzzled, then said, "That's hot."

Gojyo, suddenly reassured of his sexy-ness, continued flirting effortlessly.

Finishing his story, Gojyo extends his hand, saying, "Dude, I got her digits."

Seemingly impressed, Hakkai asks to see Gojyo's hand. He then pulls out a wet-wipe and erases the numbers.

Gojyo gasps in surprise and horror and lets more colorful language escape. "Why did you do that!?" he asks.

As Goku laughs some more, Hakkai responds to Gojyo by saying, "Why did you do that," he points, "to Jeep?"

"I just told you why!" Gojyo exclaims.

Hakkai starts circling his beloved pet, asking Gojyo lots of questions. "Is that black paint?"

"Yeah, doesn't he look cool? I could have added flames, but I decided against it."

"Why are the rims spinning?"

"I added spinners! And look! They have dragons cut into them!" Gojyo says, looking proud of himself.

Goku hops into the back, but instead of landing on his usual cushion, he hits something hard. "Hey Gojyo! What's this?"

"Why don't you open it and find out?"

Goku's eyes go wide as he does just that, then exclaims at the top of his monkey lungs, "MINI-FRIDGE!"

Hakkai runs over in horror and slams his palm to his face in exasperation, and asks, "Why?"

"Well, Sanzo keeps griping about how his beer is never cold enough in this dessert, so…"

Suddenly, they hear gunshots coming from the direction in which Sanzo made his exit.

"Speaking of His Holiness," Gojyo says as they all saw Sanzo walking back toward them.

"Sanzo…" Hakkai warns, already exhausted from his conversation with Gojyo.

"What?" Sanzo asks in his usual flat tone.

"Where were you?" Hakkai inquires nervously.

"Bathroom," he replies, hopping into the front seat, "Why is my butt warm?"

"Oh yeah!" Gojyo exclaims, "I had them put in seat heaters!"

Hakkai is just about ready to give up when an elderly gentlemen runs up and yells, "Hey! Come back here! You! In the robe!"

The whole gang turns to look at Sanzo, who is quietly reading the paper…again.

"This man," the gentlemen starts, pointing at Sanzo, "Destroyed my restroom! The whole place is flooding and there are tons of bullet holes in the walls and thanks to him, I have to buy new toilets, fixtures, and everything!"

Hakkai looks over at Sanzo and as calmly as he can, asks Sanzo if he really did do all of that. Sanzo simply glances up at Hakkai and goes back to his reading.

"I'll take that as a yes," Hakkai mumbles, then putting on his best professional smile, turns to the man and says, "I apologize for my friend's stupidity."

Sanzo flinches at the word.

"Please, send me the bill and I will make sure that this moron takes care of all the expenses. If there's anything we can do for you while we are here, please let me know. I have no objections to putting these three through some hard labor or even torture," Hakkai continues.

Gojyo and Goku gulp in fear and go pale and Sanzo just buries himself in the paper, wondering what the other two did to piss Hakkai off so much.

Appeased, the man leaves them all in Hakkai's "loving" care.

"So much for the party," Gojyo mutters under his breath.

"And I was looking forward to Hakkai's cooking," Goku adds.

As part of his punishment, Sanzo ends up reading the sermon at the temple festival.

And that was only the beginning of what Hakkai had in store for them…


End file.
